TALKING ABOUT SEX TO OUR CHILDREN
My dad I guess is a real African man who believed that the only opportune time to spend “quality moments” with his son back when I was growing up was only when warming his bottom in the name of discipline.
As I grew up, our paths rarely met. I thus learnt little about sex from him. The first time I heard my dad talk about sex was in my late teen hood, warning me about AIDS and from the look of things that was the hardest talk he has ever had with me.
A concerned mum wrote to Valentine Njoroge of the Nairobi Star: “I have a 10-yara-old son and would like to have a talk with him on sex. Please give me ideas of how to tackle this subject. The younger one is 8-years-old. Can I have the talk with both of them?”
Today, I stand to share with you some insights from Valentine that I feel are profound especially to parents who find themselves in such a dilemma. They are profound especially when handling this sensitive topic.
First of all; there is no such thing as “the talk”. You will talk to your children about sex throughout their development and perhaps well into their adulthood. The first step is to not ignore the subject.
If you ignore this, your kids will look at other avenues that are probably not safe or have wrong information for their age at a certain particular stage of development.
Start by answering their questions. By now I bet they have wondered about their different body parts with the opposite sex. They will need to know why mummy has breasts and daddy does not-explain why. Go ahead and tell them the body parts correct names also.
Have they come home and asked you what sex is? Why does daddy and mummy kiss? The key is to be totally frank, honest and open; so that they keep coming back to you as a trusted source of information- their little “Google”. Growing up, my brother and I were told kissing is “tabia mbaya” (bad manners) and that was final. We were never told why people who were married or are in love do it. You don’t want such a scenario with your children.
The reason I say that it is not one conversation; is because sex entails so much more that intercourse. There are body parts that will grow; breaking voices; pubic hair; creating a healthy body image.
Your 10-year-old may be having wet dreams; so perhaps you should teach him that he is normal and that it is a natural passage. Also go ahead and teach him to wash his sheets so other people in the house do not have to know about his dreams.
What are their peers up to? Are they kissing? Are they touching each other under desks in class? Find out and address that.
Promiscuity; porn; treatment of women; homosexuality; personal hygiene… Your kids will ask you questions and sometimes; being human and not God, you won’t have all the answers.
Do not lie, you want them to trust you, so promise them that you will do the research and get back to them.
As long as they understand dad/mum is trustworthy, mum/dad values our questions and mum/dad is available, you will be their first sounding board and THAT in itself is priceless.
Finally, Valentine Njoroge advices; “please look at the star website (www.the-star.co.ke); for the series I wrote with psychologist Pascal Mwita titled “Kids and Sex”. It is a basic guide on what to tell your kids at different development stages.”( http://www.the-star.co.ke/news/article-4981/children-and-sex-part-4)
Granted our kids are setting very high bars for our lifestyle; we can no longer afford to shout out our orders. Our temper must be kept under wraps. Our voice will have to be subdued because our children need a role model. Kindly, let us vow to be one in the making!
-catch Valentine Njoroge handling your questions on The Star newspaper every Friday. Go ahead and email her with your questions at valentinenjoroge@gmail.com.
